The Living Bible

His name is Bill. He has wild hair, wears a T-shirt with holes in it, jeans, and no shoes. This was literally his wardrobe for his entire four years of college.

He is brilliant. Kind of profound and very, very bright. He became a Christian while attending college.

Across the street from the campus is a well-dressed, very conservative church. They want to develop a ministry to the students but are not sure how to go about it.

One day Bill decides to go there. He walks in with no shoes, jeans, his T-shirt, and wild hair. The service has already started and so Bill starts down the aisle looking for a seat.

The church is completely packed and he can’t find a seat. By now, people are really looking a bit uncomfortable, but no one says anything.

Bill gets closer and closer and closer to the pulpit, and when he realizes there are no seats, he just squats down right on the carpet.

By now the people are really uptight, and the tension in the air is thick.

About this time, the minister realizes that from way at the back of the church, a deacon is slowly making his way toward Bill.

Now the deacon is in his eighties, has silver-gray hair, and a three-piece suit. A godly man, very elegant, very dignified, very courtly. He walks with a cane and, as he starts walking toward this boy, everyone is saying to themselves that you can’t blame him for what he’s going to do.

How can you expect a man of his age and of his background to understand some college kid on the floor?

It takes a long time for the man to reach the boy.

The church is utterly silent except for the clicking of the man’s cane. All eyes are focused on him. You can’t even hear anyone breathing. The minister can’t even preach the sermon until the deacon does what he has to do.

And now they see this elderly man drop his cane on the floor. With great difficulty, he lowers himself and sits down next to Bill and worships with him so he won’t be alone.

Everyone chokes up with emotion.

When the minister gains control, he says, “What I’m about to preach, you will never remember. What you have just seen, you will never forget.”

“Be careful how you live. You may be the only Bible that many people will ever read!”

One Day My Soul Just Opened Up-a project from 2008

Last year, I bought a book written by Iyanla Vanzant called One Day My Soul Just Opened Up. I read it, understood it, and loved it. However, I did not take the time to really immerse myself in the lessons provided in this book, and in a way, only paid lip service to the concepts presented by Vanzant. But, since I have left the Jedi community, I have been able to understand more about myself, work on things that should have been worked on two years ago, and actually begin to dig deeper into this twisted psyche of mine. Unfortunately, two years ago, a lot of things happened to me and my family in such a way as to not allow me to recover from the shock of one event before the next event occurred. Because of this, I buried a lot of emotions and thoughts, fears and down-right neurotic tendencies down deep within my soul. Then I blocked off my soul and set up my barriers. I went into lock-down mode and only in the past couple of months have I realized just how far this has gone, and just how horribly this has affected me.

Everyone here knows my story with the Jedi and why I left that community. I don’t know that everyone here realizes to what extent I had to keep myself buried in order to do the “jobs” that were assigned to me during my time with the Jedi. I was always working for someone else, doing work that they, themselves, could have done more easily than I ever could, but for whatever reasons would not do it, and instead, passed the responsibility over to me. Why? I’m a sucker, I like to work, and I like to help other people achieve their goals and realize their dreams. Yeah, I’m a sucker and sometimes, I’m a total idiot. Now, I could feel myself growing colder and more cynical everyday. I could feel myself changing in ways that I did not like, but in all honesty, I was more afraid of confronting the things that I had buried than I was of this person that I was becoming with the Jedi. It was as if there was a trade-off occurring-my soul for the benefit of another’s Jedi dream. It was ok then, too, because then I still didn’t have to feel anything that I wanted to keep buried. So, a mutually satisfactory arrangement was created and worked for a while. But, you know, I have discovered, that after a while, the soul will rebel. It will overthrow all logic, all barriers, all control factors and will stand there in front of you, slap you around, and scream at you until you pay attention. If you still ignore the soul, it will then burn you alive until you scream for mercy. That is as it should be.

And, so, my soul rebelled and burned me alive. It screamed and screamed at me to let go, to face these fears, to do the dirty work on myself that needed to be done. I resisted for as long as I possibly could, but, eventually, there has to be a white flag flying on the battlefield. I feel as if I may have been sewing that white flag for the past two years, and it was only with my last bit of strength that I was able to hoist it up so that my soul could see the “colors” waving in the murky sky.

At any rate, last night, I felt a strong urge to re-read Vanzant’s book. I found it on my bookshelf, brushed away all of the dust that had accumulated there, and began reading this book again. I cannot tell you how much this writer speaks to my soul. She has definitely “been there, done that” and she knows just how to speak to me to get me to listen. So, what is in this book? Well, Vanzant starts out with a tale of how she went “insane.” Insanity, in this case is descriptive of how she shut down her own soul, tried to fake it through life and was even pretty successful at doing so, but eventually, her own soul rebelled and she was left to face her own darkness. She then prescribes a forty day-forty night program that includes commentary for the day on a specific spiritual idea, a prayer, affirmations, and a questionnaire to be answered by the reader-a journal of growth, basically. I was thinking that I would begin my own re-opening of the soul and journal my findings here in my Ramblings, as this may encourage me to keep going with it, to stick with the program and not wander off as I like to do with things I start. It may also come in handy for others that may have or are experiencing this sort of thing. Maybe I just want to keep this stuff in a “safe place” that can actually be found.  Safe places have a way of disappearing on me. Now, in this program, some of the stuff may be too personal for me to write about publicly, but I will do my best to share all that I can, as I want this to be an honest and open representation of my progression. I will also share excerpts from Vanzant’s book, so anyone that may be reading this can see the context of the material. I would also welcome any that want to participate in this to do so. We can journal together, if you would like, or if you just wish to leave comments here for me, that is more than welcome too.

The formula for this program as I will present it here will be what the “day” is about, the working definition for the subject of the “day,” any comments or excerpts from Vanzant’s commentary, commentary journaling notes, the prayer, the affirmations, and finally, the evening journaling assignment that is just the lessons learned after doing this process.

Again, all credit is given to Iyanla Vanzant and all material quoted, paraphrased, or revised is taken from the book: One Day My Soul Just Opened Up: Forty Days and Forty Nights Toward Spiritual Strength and Personal Growth by Iyanla Vanzant. It was published by Simon & Schuster in New York in 1998. I would encourage everyone to purchase this book.

And, so, with that said, I will begin with “Day 1.”

Day 1: Honor the Divine with TRUTH

Working Definition:
The principle we are working with today is TRUTH. It is the Absolute, that which reveals and is in accord with the will of the Divine as the governing principle of life. Truth is eternal, the same today as yesterday. The fullness of truth related to the Divine exists at the core of every living being. The basic principle of truth is that the mind of every individual is unified with Divine Mind eternally. As individual awareness expands and embraces the concept of divine truth, understanding unfolds.

Iyanla discusses in this commentary how every single human being must investigate and find their own TRUTH. It cannot be given to you by another, though others can help you find your own TRUTH. A person can be lead down a path, but unless they accept it and understand it as their own TRUTH, they cannot claim anything as their own TRUTH. The TRUTH for every person must be searched out, found to be TRUE in that person’s heart, and accepted as Divine by that person before TRUTH can be TRUE. However, Vanzant also studied many different religions and spiritual paths and has come across what she believes to be Universal Truths held by various religious and spiritual practitioners. She refers to these Truths as Postulates:

Postulate 1:
God is Life. God is Spirit. God is Mind. God is the only power that is in control of life, spirit, and mind.

Postulate 2:
God is within you and every living thing. Translated, this means that everything living is a unique representation of God’s identity-mind, spirit, and life.

Postulate 3:
We’ve got nothing but time, and it is on our side. This is why we continue to be provided with the opportunity to repeat and re-create in our lives.

Postulate 4:
God does not punish us. We punish ourselves with guilt, shame, and fear when we choose not to act in concert with our inherently divine nature.

Postulate 5:
There is a Divine Order to everything in life. It is for this reason that exactly where you are at any given time in life is exactly where you should be according to the Divine unfolding of your consciousness and life.

Postulate 6:
Life is the unfolding of experiences designed to bring to our awareness the impersonal operation of the universal principles sometimes called natural laws. When we are aware that the principles are operating and govern ourselves to live in harmony with them, it becomes easy to understand the experiences we have in life.

Postulate 7:
God doesn’t bless people. We receive the grace of the Divine as abundance, peace, joy, well-being, and love as a function of what we think, feel, and believe about life, ourselves and the Divine.

Postulate 8:
Our lives are a reflection of our conscious and subconscious choices. When we do not choose, we live by default.

Postulate 9:
Everybody is born to fulfill a divine purpose, and God has given us everything we will ever need to fulfill that purpose.

Vanzant then reminds the reader to always hold onto the belief that: “By holding on to the perfect, immutable truth of the Divine and incorporating it into every aspect of your being and your life, you are freed from the chains of the habit. (the habit in this case is living in man’s law, not the Divine law.) By reminding yourself that you are a perfect and unique representative of all that God is, you will find that you are equipped to handle anything. This process will help you remember and practice the truth of your soul.”

Now, we have the journal notes for the commentary:

“After reading today’s commentary, I realize___________”

and…

“The key phrases I want to remember and work with today are: ________”

Here is the prayer:

“Today, I ask that TRUTH be revealed to me.
TRUTH is eternal. TRUTH is the essence of my soul. TRUTH is my connection to the divine source of all life.
Today, I welcome the presence of TRUTH as the universal intelligence that knows exactly what I must do in every situation, under all circumstances.
No matter what appears before me today, I know there is a greater TRUTH grounded in love, power, peace, joy, and wisdom that will guide and protect me.
Today, I invoke the presence of TRUTH as the light that will cast out all thoughts of separation, limitation, and confusion.
The light of TRUTH now infuses my mind, reminding me that there is a power and presence of the Divine that is greater than any physical problem.
Today, I speak the TRUTH. I hear the TRUTH. I see the greater, divine TRUTH of every situation I encounter.
The TRUTH that is divine, eternal, all-knowing, and ever-present now frees me to live fully, completely, and abundantly.
I am grateful for the TRUTH that is now revealed to me this day.
And So It Is!

Here are the affirmations:

God is TRUTH. TRUTH is divine.
TRUTH is eternal and consistent. It never changes.
God is within every living thing, which means there is a divine and eternal TRUTH beneath everything I see.
TRUTH is greater than any problem on the physical level.
The TRUTH is that God believes in me.

Now, here is the journal part for lessons learned or discoveries made:

I, ________, am open to know the TRUTH about myself as it relates to _________.

I, _________, am open to know the TRUTH as it relates to ________________.

I, _________, accept as TRUTH that I _____________.

Here are my answers. (In later posts, I will include my answers within the initial lines themselves.)

Commentary Notes:
After reading today’s commentary, I realize just how far away I have stepped from my core-self. I realize how much I miss the presence of the Divine in my life, and how it is entirely my own fault that I have shut God out so much of the time. I realize that I have much work to do in remembering my own TRUTH.

The key phrases I want to remember and work with today are:
God is TRUTH. TRUTH is divine.
TRUTH is greater than any problem on the physical level.
The TRUTH is that God believes in me.

Lessons Learned Journal:
I, Andrea, am open to know the TRUTH about myself as it relates to my fears, my insecurities, and my reasons for throwing up all of the blocks and barriers I have that separate me from the Divine Source, and all other beings that radiate pure intent.

I, Andrea, am open to know the TRUTH as it relates to my true essence and the essences of all those around me.

I, Andrea, accept as TRUTH that I am a Child of Light, and I am now ready to face the fears and pain that I have buried my own TRUTH under.

Day 2: Honor The Divine With TRUST

Working Definition: The principle we are working with today is TRUST. It is reliance upon the Divine for all sustenance and supply. A mental and emotional recognition and acceptance that the presence of the Divine as the ultimate good is all-powerful and everywhere present.

Notes on Commentary: Iyanla discusses the difference between trusting somebody and putting your trust in someone. She describes the difference here as:

“When you trust someone, you recognize them as representative of divine energy. You see them in the highest light possible, knowing that no matter what they may do, it does not change who they are at the core of their being. Nor can anything that happens to you change who you are at your core. You are not reliant on people. You have learned to rely on the divine presence within them. You know with them and for them that the eternal light of truth in their soul will shine forth…eventually.

When you put your trust in someone it means that you expect them to do what they say they will do, which is usually something that you should be doing for yourself. Trusting in someone usually means that there is something they have that you believe you need, or something you have that you believe they can take away to cause you harm. You place your reliance on words or promised action rather than the Divine. Knowing full well that human beings are subject to do many things and anything in response to their internal fear, guilt, or shame, why do we place our trust in one another? Why? Because we forget to invoke the Divine presence in all circumstances. Even when we do invoke the Divine and our trust is betrayed, we blame the human being rather than embracing the experience as a lesson of the Divine.”

Iyanla goes on to describe an event that happened to her friend, who after her brother had nowhere else to go to after getting out of rehab, she let him stay at her home. She had locked her valuables up every day, but one day, when she was at work, her brother robbed her blind and disappeared. Iyanla listened to her friend tell of her experience and then explained things in a different way. Iyanla explained that her friend’s brother did not betray the trust that the sister had placed in him. Instead, he acted in accordance with being chemically addicted. And the friend, who had locked up all of hr valuables every day, obviously hadn’t really placed her trust in her brother, or she wouldn’t have been locking away her valuables. She KNEW that he could steal her things, but refused to listen to Divine guidance and logic, and placed her trust in a human being that was acting against his Divine purpose and living the life of a drug addict. She had placed her faith in faulty human conditioning instead of the highest Divine.

Iyanla then explains how we know where to place our trust. She says:
“There are many situations and people that demonstrate that it is not wise to place your trust in them. In these cases, our own innate wisdom, sometimes called intuition, will give us an internal signal. We will feel uneasy, pressured, conflicted. We will be resistant to moving forward or relying on what we hear or see. Rather than trust ourselves and the Divine within us, we will fall prey to our human senses and sympathies, cast wisdom to the wind and become victims of poor judgment.

Trust the Divine to provide for you everything you need to live fully, peacefully, and abundantly. This does not mean that people will always do the divine or right thing. But remember, you are not putting your trust in people, you are trusting that the Divine will manifest through people. It does not mean that your car will not be stolen or your purse snatched. It does not mean that you can trust that you will not be harmed, and that whatever you lose will be replaced. Trust the Divine to provide you with the wisdom to make the right decision under every circumstance you encounter. If you want to know what to do, you must ask, quietly in your heart. Once you do, you will be guided. You will be protected. It may not always seem like what you are doing at the moment is the right thing. People and conditions may challenge you. You may begin to doubt yourself. It is in these moments that you are called upon to activate your trust in the Divine. Rely on what your heart tells you is true. Do not be afraid to see the truth in the situation and act accordingly. Trusting the Divine has one very important aspect that is sure to have a positive impact on your life: Learning to recognize and interpret the signs and signals you will surely receive will teach you to trust yourself. “

After reading today’s commentary, I realize just how many times that Divine intuition has tried to steer me in the right direction, but I refused to listen, and instead placed my trust in human frailty. This is especially true for the past couple of years, and especially in regard to the Jedi community and its members. There have been several people though, where that intuition has guided me towards them, and has never thrown up warnings or hesitation (and not just the Jedi group people either): The other Karen and Brett, Adona Mara, Myrrden (though it seems he and I are often on the same path, so are both confused half of the time  ), Jax, Sapharin, and Inari. I realize that it was my own ego that kept me around some of the others, my own human preference for security and familiarity that led me to stick around-even when the Divine was telling me to let it all go and step away. I realize that it was doubt in myself and the Divine guidance I had been given, and in my ability to handle the situations/circumstances/painful events of my past that enabled me to cover up my shortcomings and hide from what I needed to do that also held me into the belief that I should be focusing on helping others when I was not meant to help them, they were to help themselves-especially on the Jedi dream path.

The key phrases I want to remember and work with today are:
Trust the Divine to provide you with the wisdom to make the right decision under every circumstance you encounter.
And:
Do not be afraid to see the truth in the situation and act accordingly.

The prayer:
Today, I place my TRUST in the omnipresence of the Divine.
I TRUST that I will be divinely guided today.
I TRUST that I will be divinely protected today.
I TRUST that everything that concerns me will be brought into divine order according to the perfect will of the Divine.
I TRUST that my experiences today will provide me with divine revelations that lead to divine understanding and that will unfold as divine wisdom, as an active faculty present in my consciousness.
I TRUST that all my needs will be met today.
I TRUST that the pure desires of my heart will manifest today.
I TRUST that the loving presence of the Divine will sustain this day, as it has every day before this day, and as it will forever.
I am grateful that my TRUST in all that is good, God, and the Divine is the only sustenance I will ever need.
And So It Is!

The affirmations:

Let Me Remember…

TRUST of the Divine is not the same as TRUST in people.
TRUST is an instrument of divine wisdom.
TRUST is a reliance on the Divine to provide all things.
TRUST cannot be broken. It is given in wisdom or in shame, guilt or fear.
TRUST in Self is TRUST in the Divine.

Today, I found it difficult to TRUST when: I watched how some people acted towards others, how they dismissed others not of their “station” in life, and how they acted so petty and inconsiderate of other people, but proclaimed to be noble individuals who serve God and the path of Righteousness.

Today, I found it easy to TRUST when I spoke with Danny’s grandmother, and realized that though her perspective was a bit askew, she was speaking from her heart, and was only working towards what she saw as the best thing for a child. She was acting with pure intent, but due to her human conditioning and social status/upbringing, she was looking at matters from a snobbish and arrogant place, but her motives were pure and Divinely guided.

Today, I realize I find it difficult to TRUST myself when I cannot see an outcome of a situation, when my actions will reflect badly on someone else, and when I have nothing of value to offer to another. I question my own motives when I have nothing to offer another, and feel as if my motives must be bad, as I can exchange nothing with the other person involved in a situation. Still, because I cannot see the outcome of a situation, and cannot see things from the other person’s perspective, I do not know that I am offering nothing. I could be giving them something that I do not realize, but am not yet at a level of understanding to see this.

Day 3: Honor the Divine with Prayer

Working Definition: The principle we are working with today is communion. PRAYER is a form of communion. It is the method of communication between man and the Divine. An inward exploration undertaken to cleanse and perfect consciousness. An act of reaching in to the Higher Self.

Notes on Commentary:

Iyanla Vanzant discusses the ways in which we view PRAYER, the uses that we perceive PRAYER to be used for, and the ultimate reasons for PRAYER, as well as the way PRAYER defines us.

From Day 3: PRAYER’S commentary:
“Most of us have some pretty definite ideas about prayer. We learned them from our parents. We learned them in church. We read accounts of how prayer changed people or situations. At one time, I thought prayer was something that had to be done on your knees at the side of the bed. That notion was shattered when I discovered prayer in church, done aloud, sometimes very loud, which could eventually lead to the laying on of hands and other healing acts. In many classes, workshops, seminars, and lectures I have attended, I learned to pray quietly, affirmatively, and as an act of intercession for others. I have also learned to pray over things, in things, because of things, and in the midst of things. More important, I was taught to pray for things. When all is said and done, I have discovered that prayer is a very personal and intimate act. How you pray, when you pray, and why you pray is a direct reflection of your understanding of the Divine and the role that understanding plays in your life.”

She then talks about how prayer is really an affirmation of what already exists. Iyanla says, “Prayer is a demonstration of our willingness to receive what exists as an outgrowth of our faith in the truth that it is good for us. Prayer is an acknowledgement of our trust in the Divine to provide everything we need, when we need it. Even a prayer of supplication or asking is an affirmative statement that we are open and ready to receive. When we pray , we are asking for the intervention of Spirit on our behalf or the behalf of someone else. Spiritual intervention is always a divine win-win situation that will unfold in a divine manner according to Divine Will.”

“Call forth the Divine within as the strength you need in order to do what you know you must do.”

After reading today’s commentary, I realize:
When I was very little, I felt very close to God, and always believed that God was manifested in everything and everyone and the TRUTH was so easy to see way back then. But, also in this, I prayed out of fear. Usually, this was a fear of loss of some kind, and this fear has followed me throughout my life. Fear of losing someone close to me (as a child, I was petrified of losing my grandparents and would cry myself to sleep every night as I prayed for my death to come before their deaths.), fear of losing face before my father, fear of disappointed my mother and losing her approval, fear of losing my abilities in sports and my books, fear of losing my sway with my sister… fear of losing something-anything, but always fear of losing. Later on, anger took hold of me, and I rejected my belief in God-and rejected God in all form. It took divine intervention to get me to find my way back to God. Then, I began to pray again, but it still was out of fear that I prayed. I was still afraid of losing something. It was only when I could lose myself in ritual and meditation that I could feel the true power of God and could stand before the Divine Presence without asking for anything, without fear, without any care for who I am on the physical plane. Because it was only when I was in these states that I felt at one with God and All That Is. I began to see God is everything and everyone again, and everything felt TRUE and GOOD and even when the bad was presence or the darkness overwhelmed the light, I could see God’s presence there and understand the lessons presented to me and all those involved. Then 2006 happened and I lost myself again. Prayer became a necessity out of fear-when PRAYER occurred at all, that is. I found myself lost in a dark place last year and I can’t even begin to retell the story here, though Adona knows about it. But, let’s just say that I hit my knees in a hurry and I saw things that most people only talk about seeing in the Bible. But, what I saw reminded me of how I was supposed to be connected to the Divine Source-God. And yet, while I accepted what I was supposed to do, I could not answer to another question that was asked of me. It was if I was willing to give something up. Fear demanded that I not give this thing up, though it was toxic to me and many others involved. It poisoned me, and God knew it was poisoning me, but fear held me in check and wouldn’t let me budge. I made excuses and kept plowing on ahead, being the hard-headed Texan that I am.  Then, I finally came to the understanding that God already had given me, but that I refused: I needed out! Granted, it took me losing a good friend to make me see this, and I almost lost a couple of others in the process (thanks, guys), but I finally understood. I started getting back on track, but fear had taken over so many areas of my life: Fear of not knowing enough, fear of not being good enough, fear of not being able to hack it all all the time…but, most of all, it was the fear of losing those I cared for that commanded my actions. Every time I prayed, I prayed for protection against loss. And then, a few days before reading this…I realized that I was doing this all wrong. I don’t think it’s wrong to ask God for help, for guidance, for a path to be shown, or strength, or anything of the sort, but I do think it is wrong when we do not thank God for all of our many blessings-for that one day of life that we had on that day, for getting to see the Sun come up just one more time, or seeing the Moon shine on the fence posts of the field by the house that allows the cattle graze around…knowing that everything is as it should be….And so, in my prayer today, and hopefully, every single day henceforth, I shall thank God for all that I am and all that I have and all that I am blessed with.

The key phrases I want to remember and work with today are:
“Call forth the Divine within as the strength you need in order to do what you know you must do.”
How you pray, when you pray, and why you pray is a direct reflection of your understanding of the Divine and the role that understanding plays in your life.”

The Prayer:
The divine source of all life is the fulfillment of all potential.
I believe that the divine energy of universal intelligence is guiding me now.
I believe that the divine source of universal supply is fulfilling my every need now.
I believe that divine presence of wholeness and well-being fills my being now.
I know what the Divine knows.
I have what the Divine owns.
I am what the Divine is.
I know this to be the truth of my being.
I accept this truth as the will of the Divine.
I trust the one Life, one Mind, one Power, one Presence to manifest at its fullest potential and fulfill every desired good in my heart.
I am so grateful for the knowledge of this truth as it unfolds.
And So It Is!

Affirmations:
I have the power to call forth the Divine.
Every PRAYER is answered according to Divine Will.
Everything I need I already have.
Everything I need to know I already know.
PRAYER brings me into alignment with my good.
I trust that I will recognize the answer to my PRAYER when it shows up.

Today, I remembered to call forth the Divine when:
I realized I was clenching up and starting to get paranoid when I was going to drop the kids off at school. I worry about illogical things, and I know this-I’m working on it, but today, I remembered to call forth the Divine as it was happening.

Today, I was able to recognize Divine presence as/when: I was walking my dog, and we passed over some dandelions. One was crushed beneath my dog’s paws, but sprang right back up as we passed over. At that moment, I realized I was looking at God right then, and stood there breathing in the sunshine and the warm air, and the birds’ songs, and my dog’s breathing, and my own heart beat, and I realized, at that moment that I was one with God.

Today, it was easy/difficult for me to pray when:
I first realized that I was getting freaky about dropping the kids off at school, and wondered if it was right for me to pray for help-instead of showing gratitude for my blessings.

 

 

Day 4: Honor the Divine With Meditation

Working Definition: The principle we are working with today is STILLNESS. It is accomplished through the act of meditation, which is stilling of the physical/conscious mind to all external stimuli. Continuous, contemplative thought given to truth. A steady effort of the mind to know and hear the voice of God from within the being. The act of “not doing” in an attempt to expand the awareness of “being.” When we quiet the conscious mind to hear the Divine presence.

I can’t paraphrase this section, so I will quote directly from Vanzant’s text:

“In the beginning, we are tiny little beings with no eyes, ears, noses, or mouths. This means we are quiet. We don’t know whether we are black or white, male or female, rich or poor, attractive or not. We do not work, but we do not think of ourselves as being lazy or unproductive. We have no responsibilities to or for ourselves or others. We are not consciously aware that we know anything. Since we don’t know that we know, we do not think of ourselves as being inferior for not knowing. In the beginning we are content to grow into life, into being. People understand that we are in a growth process, and they leave us alone, to grow on our own.

If we are lucky in our do-nothing, know-nothing state, the people who know about us, those who know we are growing, are happy for us and about us. They love us, sight unseen. If we are not so lucky, the people that know about us may be quite upset, frantic as a matter of fact, but it doesn’t matter. We will still grow. There is a power, a force of life in and around us that loves us even though the people around us are frantic. It is that force of life around us that helps us to grow. The help is free. It asks for nothing in return. And you know what? Even though we look pretty weird floating around in the dark, the force stays with us, showering us with love. It is this force of life that ensures that all of our important parts are in the right places. It is this energy of life that makes sure we have enough to eat. This forceful energy protects us in the dark. Moves us through it while we are on the inside so that we can make it on the outside. The energy I am referring to, the energy that has been with us and in us since our beginning, is the spirit of the Divine.

Once we are born, we forget all about this divine energy of life that once pit us together. Perhaps it is because we cannot see this energy with our eyes. It is much like the currents of electricity that move through the wires of the television. We plus the set in, push the “on” button, and presto!-there’s the picture. We know there is hidden power at work, but we don’t really think about it. We hardly ever talk about it. We also know that if we do not plus the television set in or turn it on it will do absolutely nothing. We realize that the invisible presence of electricity will produce what it is we desire. The power of the Divine works in exactly the same manner. Its invisible presence is the energy we need in order to be activated. When a television is activated it will produce currents of sound that can be heard and light that can be seen. You, on the other hand, must turn off all currents of sound and light in order to get plugged in. The act of meditation is the best way to get plugged in and turned on to the power of the Divine.

Go back to the beginning. Have no eyes, no ears, no voice. Know nothing. Do nothing. Be nothing. This is the best description of meditation I can offer. You must be able to allow yourself to float in a sea of darkness. This means you must first learn to let go. Let go of all thoughts about yourself, your responsibilities in life, opinions about yourself, your desires, and the fear. Meditation enables you to let go of what you know. In order to meditate, you must accept that the invisible power, the force of life that moves through you, will provide everything you need. Think of it this way: You floated around in the darkness of the womb for nine months and turned out okay. Is it so difficult to return to that state for five, ten, or fifteen minutes a day? Is it not worth a try?”

Iyanla then talks about how people always say that they do not know how to meditate. She describes her first attempts at meditation after studying with a swami. She says that it took her twenty minutes to even get ready to meditate, as she had so many different articles of clothing, accessories, and “meditation supplies” that she believed she needed. Then it dawned on her that, like the swami, she needed none of those “special” things. Vanzant then says the only thing you really need to know about how to meditate is this:

“Be still and know!”

She then leaves the reader with this quaint little advice: “Think of meditation as a pit stop. You must stop every now and then to check in, making sure all systems are go!”

After reading today’s commentary, I realize:
Sometimes, I “punish” myself by not meditating. I’m not sure if it is because I know I’m not doing all that I can to practice what I preach, and so feel guilt about that, or if it is just because I am punishing myself for being lazy, or if it is because I do not feel worthy to be in the presence of the Divine. I mean, technically, it’s not possible to be out of the presence of God, but to actually plug in to God… well, that’s a privilege, I think.

The key phrases I want to remember and work with today are:
Be still and know!
Have no eyes, no ears, no voice. Know nothing. Do nothing. Be nothing.

The PRAYER:
I know there is only one Life, one Power, one Mind, one Spirit of universal intelligence, wisdom, and judgment. I know this Life, Power, Mind, Spirit is all-knowing, all-powerful, unlimited, abundant, joyous, and peaceful. I know that this presence moves in my being as the true essence of what I am. For this, I am so grateful.

I know that right here and right now the power and presence of the universal Mind, the Spirit of life, is moving through my being, connecting all fragments of thought and emotion into a consistent flow of divine intelligence. I know that right here and right now, the unlimited, healing presence of the Divine Mind is infusing my entire being with light, its love, its perfection. For this I am so grateful.

I know that right here and now, all that is good, all that is Divine is at my disposal, and that I am willing to be used as a vessel for the Divine to spill forth as goodness, peace, well-being, and love for my own betterment and the betterment of all mankind. I now wipe clean my emotional and mental self in order that I may be filled with the light, love, intelligence, and wisdom of the divine truth of life. For this I am so grateful. And So It Is!

The Affirmations:

MEDITATION is not hard. MEDITATION is necessary.
Everything I need or need to know is available to me in stillness.
When I am still, the power of the Divine is active.
If I want to be activated I must plug in.
In stillness there is knowing.

I was not able to meditate today because: Well, it wasn’t that I was unable to meditate, it was that I was rebelling against the idea that someone else told me I should, and so, in order to complete a process, I refused. 

When I am able to meditate I feel: At one with God, at peace with the world, wise, understanding, loving, accepting, neutral, forgiving, and full of faith.

I believe MEDITATION is necessary/unnecessary because: without meditation, we go through life at this breakneck speed, constantly chasing our tails and getting nowhere because all we do is go round and round in big circles. With meditation, we get to take a time-out and reset our systems, cleanse our souls, and power up in the Force and our connection to God. It gives us a hard line to God, and that can’t ever be a bad thing.

 

Honor the Divine with: WILLINGNESS

Working Definition: The principle we are working with today is WILLINGNESS. It is a state of mental and emotional receptivity. The will is the controlling and directive faculty of the mind that determines consciousness that allows the mental faculty to be infused with the will of the Divine.

Notes from the commentary:

Iyanla discusses how she can remember knowing exactly what needed to be done, but resisted doing it because she was afraid of hurting someone¡¦s feelings, making someone mad, or looking bad. She also talks about how she was not willing to sound weird, stupid, or silly, or be wrong, or have a confrontation over what she needed to do. So, she was resistant to what she needed to do out of¡K yep, FEAR!

¡§Resistance to doing what we know must be done is a derivative of fear. Fear is a tool of the ego. Fear, cleverly disguised as resistance, supports unwillingness. We are unwilling to be wrong, to look or sound stupid, top be challenged or defeated. The more entrenched we become in resistance, the further we move away from a state of willingness. The Divine does not remember our errors or calculate our perceived defeats. Nor does the divine energy of life judge our methods or choices. The Divine merely asks us to be willing to do whatever is necessary to move into our own state of Divinity, which means that we must develop wisdom, judgment, and courage through willingness.¡¨

Iyanla goes on to talk about how when we are willing to act in accordance with God and the Force, others will ridicule us for speaking and acting from a place of Spirit rather than from ego, because it will threaten those that ARE acting from a place of ego. She speaks about how sometimes, when we are willing to live and act with WILLINGNESS, we sometimes find ourselves doubting, our thoughts get twisted, and we get confused and then fall further in doubt. Again, Vanzant tells us that it is Fear and Ego and our unwillingness to trust God that cause this. She then goes on to talk about divine thinking and how it occurs once we submit to the Highest knowledge of God.

¡§Divinely ordered thinking is another outgrowth of true willingness. When you are willing to give up your thoughts to Divine Mind, you receive Divine guidance. This guidance enables you to elevate your feelings to a divine nature: the nature of love, openness, and peace. As your divine nature unfolds, you become willing to do more than pray. You become willing to march in pursuit of those things that are in your best interest and the best interest of the world around you. Willingness is an active declaration that life is a divine game, but it is your move! When you move, you want to be able to make it through difficulties and challenges. Be willing to be wrong. Be willing to walk the extra mile. Be willing to fall down, get up, fall down again, knowing that divine counsel is only a moment of stillness away. Of all the spiritual principles that take us into moments of grace, willingness is one that teaches us that, when we are willing to give up everything we have, the Divine will replace it with ten times more.
Note* I never worry that I may hurt someone¡¦s feelings, piss them off, that I may be wrong, or that I may look silly when I do accept the Divine Will and act accordingly. It¡¦s more that I start to see the ramifications on my family and friends when I do act, and I don¡¦t want them to suffer in any way, so I hesitate.

After reading today¡¦s commentary, I realize: That I actually feel a tensed-up sensation in my shoulders, neck, chest, and stomach when I start to doubt or become unwilling. I actually find that I have a shortness of breath and that my vision actually looks different from when I am fully WILLING to act in accordance with the Force and God¡¦s Will.

The key phrases I want to remember and work with today are:
Be willing to fall down, get up, fall down again, knowing that divine counsel is only a moment of stillness away.

The Prayer:
I am WILLING to be still.
I am WILLING to trust the Divine presence within me.
I am WILLING to trust the Divine in the stillness of my thoughts.
I am WILLING to trust the Divine with the secrets of my heart.
I am WILLING to trust the Divine with the essence of my life force, my spirit.
I am WILLING to hear the voice of the Divine.
I am WILLING to know the will of the Divine.
I am WILLING to surrender myself to the presence of the Divine.
I know that the Divine force of life cares for me, speaks to me, loves me and protects me.
For this I am so grateful!
And So It Is!

The Affirmations:

Thy will, not my will, be done.
I will to will Thy will.
The will of the Divine is my salvation.
To be WILLING is to be courageous.

***Note*** In this section, Iyanla provided the material in a different order than she usually does. Now, at first, I just thought that this was an editorial mistake, but then it dawned on me. If this is an editorial mistake, then fine, but I also saw a lesson in this. At this point, I know the regular way Iyanla presents this material, and the sequence in which I work through it. This sort of mixed up the process, and at first, I was hesitant to work through the process as it was provided this time. But, then I thought, this step is about WILLINGNESS. Life is not stagnant; it changes all of the time. I have to be WILLING to accept the changes and work within those changes, or I will be resistant to the flow of the Force and God¡¦s Divine messages about this new working order, and so, now, I am WILLINGLY working through this process with acceptance that maybe Iyanla knew what she was doing when she provided the material in this order.

Today, I discovered the things I was most WILLING to do made me feel: Rested, True, and Peaceful. I did not feel the clenching sensation (the tensed-up feeling) in my body that I normally feel when I resist things I know are of Divine Will.

Today, I discovered that when I became resistant I felt: Guilty, because I know better. So, I immediately stopped and accepted the messages I was getting. ļ

The things I have resisted and now feel ready to do are:
Have fun, relax, and enjoy life on every level¡K To allow people ¡§in¡¨ and not block them out because I fear they will betray me, hurt me, or cause drama to come into my life. I am also ready to follow where God leads. Right now, that seems to be a project that Karen and I are working on that gets Divine lessons and principles out to little children. ƒº I am also ready to return to being a healer and guide for those that come to me for help.

a few truths, except now, there are two cats…(orig: 10/2011)

1. I love my family above all else.

2. I have 4 dogs and a cat.

3. My first car was an Oldsmobile Omega!!! lol

4. I had to dig a popcorn kernal out of my son’s nose once.

5. I had to be delivered via forceps.

6. I have two tattoos and desperately want more.

7. I am a mother of three.

8. I have been married for almost twenty years.

9. I really miss Kayla because she is one of the few people in this world that does what she says.

10. If I were in a barroom brawl, I would want Carrie with me.

11. I still have a crush on John Malkovich.

12. My son is the strongest person I know.

13. I call my husband General.

14. My favorite color is black.

15. I hate fake people and liars.

16. I always want to make a situation better, but usually mess up somehow.

17. I wish I knew martial arts so well that I could kick Jet LI’s ass.

18. My dog is in disquise and is really the lost princess, Anastasia.

19. I want to take my kids to the beach.

20. I plan on making my car into a tornado shelter.

21. Tomorrow, I am buying stuff to grill and getting some cold ass Coors Light!

22. I love Suzi and Ben and Jax and Skye and Shelly and so many other people I can’t name them all.

23. I hate ice cream.

24. I love glitter.

25. I wish I had Chuckles on hand at all times. (Chuckles the killer sheep, not the laughy thing.)

An Extension of part of a book I once wrote:

Sorwyn looked up from the dragon carcass that lay before her. The injuries had been too severe and the healing she had done had drained her life force from her. She barely noticed the battle that still raged around her.

Men, and Dragons’ blood, alike, stained the ground at her feet. Shields shattered, swords clashed, talons ripped flesh from bone, but Sorwyn could only hear the inner voice within her; the voice that told her-compelled her- to continue to help the wounded that cried out in agony. Her long blond hair streaked across her tear-stained face, and her diminutive figure shook with exhaustion and anguish. She could see the terror in the men’s eyes and feel the rage flowing from the Dragons. It was so much for one person. How could she bear this?

Master Garick stepped forward, and just as the dark abyss took Sorwyn down, Garick’s strong arms enveloped her, lifting her up in comfort and safety.

In the distance, Sorwyn could hear the sounds of war. It seemed so far away. She could hear the cries of battle, and somewhere within her mind, she had the knowledge that she was safe within Garick’s arms, and that rest was a welcome, and just, thing. No harm would ever come to her in his care, but Sorwyn stirred, nonetheless, for a fear awakened within her. Her eyes opened, and she looked upwards to see the dust and the smoke, and the flames erupting across a pure blue sky.

She leaned in, closer to Garick, closer to his chest, and became ensconced in the scent of his body. It was a reassuring moment, and a scent that she had known her whole life. One that she could never forget. She weakly smiled, and slowly moved her hand up to Garick’s face, which she brushed slowly and almost imperceptibly with her delicate fingertips. But then the darkness took her once again and she collapsed back against the strength and solidity of Master Garick.

“You did well, Child.” Master Garrick reassured her. “Now sleep.”

Sorwyn only managed to mumble, “I’m sorry.” before fading out of this world and into the world of dreams.

Falconi was once again beside her, with his fiery wings elongated behind them both. His black and scarlet red scales glistened in the sun, and Sorwyn admired the way Falconi seemed to “burn” with life force. He had been her hatchling, and they had grown well together under the skillful guidance of Master Garick.

But times had changed, and as the Sundry pushed further and further into the kingdom of Elgin, the conflicts between Dragon and Human became more and more common. In her dream, Sorwyn watched as the people before her became restless. They would not-could not-accept that the Dragons were allies just as much as the humans. Sorwyn begged for them to listen. Falconi had warned her this would happen…

In the crowd, Sorwyn saw Artok glance at the sky, and she knew that it was only a matter of time before chaos ensued and the Sundry turned on her and Falconi, and Artok was giving her a signal to flee. But, it was already too late by the time she understood the full warning, and if only she had understood a moment sooner, Falconi would still be alive and with her today.

But, alas, she had not. She had missed that small twitch in Artok’s eye. He had tried to stop it, but even with his skill in the Arts, there was nothing he could do. The handlers’ pain on the ancient beast had too much control and he would do as commanded. Sorwyn had seen the golden mane of the Sun Dragon flash before her eyes, and she had even noticed the prods the handlers used on the giant Dragon. But, at that moment, nothing made sense, and she couldn’t comprehend what was happening, until Falconi’s belly lay ripped open in front of her, and Artok had swept her away to safety. She should have seen that coming. She should have known. She should have listened to Falconi’s warnings, but she didn’t and now, her best friend was dead because of her own stupidity and stubbornness.

Sorwyn’s own screams woke her. She was sobbing and screaming and didn’t know where she was. The only thing that blazed in her mind was Falconi’s face. From what seemed another world away, she could hear the screams of men and the mighty flapping of Dragon’s wings. She heard orders being shouted and horses hooves pounding the ground. Slowly, her surroundings took shape around her.

She was in her “tent,” as she called it, for that was basically what it was. That is not to say that it wasn’t fit for a princess on a battlefield, but it was a tent for all intensive purposes. She lay on crimson silk and her head was cushioned by many down pillows, so that when she lay perfectly still, she resembled a flower. It was truly a sight to behold by the men and women that happened to look upon her. The rest of her dwelling was filled with the conveniences one would expect for a princess, even in a wartime situation. She could have been comfortable here if she had not been tormented, exhausted, and at war with those of the same blood. She closed her eyes and remembered the despair that filled her heart and the kingdom, at large.

Fingers brushed the golden hair away from her face and suddenly HE was there, leaning over her. He kissed her forehead and spoke: “Don’t scare me like this ever again, understand?” Sorwyn lay there confused, incomprehensive of what Stefan meant. The dream and the despair began to fade away and she found herself lost in the unrequited love of Stefan that she had felt for months. His dark brown hair was matted with blood, dirt, and sweat, and his eyes-usually such a beautiful Emerald green-were red-rimmed and ancient. His shield and sword were nearby, she knew, as he never was far from them. At some point, he had removed his breastplate, which only made the enchantment for her harder, for his skin rippled with sweat. With every breath he took, she could almost see straight through him and into his heart. How she longed to place her head against his chest and listen to his heart beat.

Stefan looked down into her grey eyes. How he had longed for her, as well. How he wanted to kiss her lips, to feel her breath against his neck, to have his body and her’s joined as one, moving in unison and desire. How he wanted to take her as his own.

But, he was a mere soldier, and she, she was one of the Upper Court. He was only allowed in her presence due to her favor and the General, Artok’s permission. But, he couldn’t fight against his own heart. He loved her. He wanted her. He needed her. He knew that it could not be, and so he chose to serve her, as so many others had chosen to do. But, when he could, he stole moments to watch her move, to see the way she stirred at small sounds, to imagine what her fingers would feel like in his hair, and moving down his back. He wanted more than anything to taste her kiss. Just one kiss.

It suddenly dawned on him that Sorwyn was smiling at him, and did he dare to believe she was beckoning to him, that she wanted him closer? Had the battle scarred him so that he had finally lost his mind? No, it was true, she stared intently into his eyes, and her rose red lips smiled up at him. She suggestively moved her body closer to his, and then Stefan knew that she wanted him to move closer.

But, what was he to do? If insulted, the Lady could have him killed. If found unworthy, he was as good as dead. Either way, it was at that moment that Stefan realized he would die for the taste of just one kiss from his Lady Sorwyn.

“Command me anything, and it will be done.” he whispered.

Sorwyn only lifted herself a little closer to Stefan’s lips, but exhaustion forced her to pull back. Without hesitation, Stefan lovingly cupped his hand behind Sorwyn’s neck and gently brought her within a breath of his own lips. She modestly closed her eyes. He imagined that he could feel her breathing into his soul. Her lips parted for him, and Stefan leaned in to kiss those lips he had dreamt of for so long. He could just feel the brush of her lips upon his when a familiar voice woke him from the trance-like spell he was under.

“She needs her rest.” General Artok appeared inside the tent behind him and held his helmet in hand, daring Stefan to say anything at all. Stefan’s heart froze. He looked back at Sorwyn and her eyes looked angry. He had failed her, in his mind.

“Forgive me, my Lady Sorwyn,” he said, and he laid her gently back down on the silken pillows.

“Forgive me, General.” Stefan said to Artok, but dared not look him in the eyes. Artok’s piercing glance was known to scare men of all statures, but Stefan knew that Sorwyn was untouchable, and Artok could, as was his right, kill him where he stood.

“I said, she needs her rest, Soldier.” Artok repeated, and acted as if the words Stefan had spoken were never said, or were not legitimate is even heard. Stefan dared to raise his eyes to Artok’s and held that piercing gaze.

“Return to your unit. We will speak of this no more.” Artok commanded, and Stefan could only acquiesce, picking up his sword and shield as he exited Sorwyn’s dwelling. But, as he stood there in the smoke, and the dust, and the sound of war, he could only sigh. It was the sigh of the forlorn, and that of a man that had accepted a broken heart.

06/01/2010

Ok. If you choose to read the following, please do so knowing that I’m not very happy with the way the world is turning right now, and if anything offends anyone, well, we can deal with that later. And, if you were tagged, I figured you would be the ones to actually take the time to read this, so don’t take it as you were being assaulted.

You know, today has already been a very sad day. I’m not going to go into details, but I am going to say that I wish there were less shallow people in this world. It’s funny how when the times are good, the brew’s a’flowing, and the cash is on the table how many people are your friend. But, when the brew is dried up, times get bad, and the cash is spent, everyone just forgets that you exist.

I do try to be a good person. I really do. I know I’m faaaaaaaaar from perfect, but I do try. And more importantly, I try to be a good friend to people. I try to be there whenever anyone needs me for anything. Now, I do not put who I am and what I do onto other people and expect them to behave in the same manner that I do, but if someone calls themself my friend, and then conveniently forgets that I exist, well, that says a lot, now doesn’t it?

There’s one person out there that no one would have ever expected to help me with their encouraging words, blessings, and healing energy, but he stepped up, and I’m eternally grateful to that man. That person lives a thousand miles away from me, and yet, he has taken the time to at least show concern. And of course, Suzi, who is always there, is still there. I love you, Suzi. I’ve seen some mountains of people break down into rubble in the past month, and that’s almost harder to deal with than the reality that caused the rubble.

I’ve been taught to suck it up, keep going, strap your boots on a little tighter and keep on keeping on. Don’t cry. Don’t let anything hurt you. Don’t show fear. If you get your ass kicked, get up, shake the ass-kicker’s hand, and then trudge on some more. But, it gets harder as the days go on to do that, and to the few that have cared enough to talk to me about it, and take the time to try to cheer me up, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Sometimes, that’s all someone needs is just to talk about a situation, but it seems that in my case, it would just be a buzz-kill. That’s cool. That’s all I needed to know. I’ll get through this and I won’t forget those that were there for me. I won’t forget the ones that showed kindness to my sister and her children in this awful time. I’ll strap my boots back on, hold back the tears, shake the ass-kicker’s hand, and trudge on.

Vessels 2010

Ok, so, see, last night, I was really trying hard to make a point about vessels. I couldn’t get the words to come out right, and everyone took it the wrong way, and they all said that I was gloomy-but that’s not it at all.

See, I was thinking how, in the grand scheme of things, we’re basically acting in a play, right? We choose our lessons, we’re born into this life, and we do the things that we’re supposed to do-HOPEFULLY. Well, I was telling someone this last night, and then began to elaborate on how sometimes, we’re nothing more than vessels at a certain point in time-how we might have one purpose in that given moment, and there is no other meaning or reason for it, though we may, as humans, take something else from it that benefits/harms us in some way. I was talking about how it is a little bit sad that sometimes, we may know someone for many, many years, and have a deep and long history with them, but in the end, we were only a vessel-or a bridge- for them to meet someone else. I mean, really, we probably all know people that would never have met if we hadn’t introduced them, right? And for whatever reason, those people needed to know one another…and so, despite the good and bad that happened along the way, if your sole purpose was only to act as a vessel/bridge for those two people to meet, it is a good thing that you fulfilled your purpose.

I guess where people took it wrong was when I was saying how it would be kinda sad if the only thing you ever were in life was a vessel/bridge, and that you never served any other purpose? Now, of course, this cannot happen, and a person learns and grows and will take from a situation that which is needed at that time, but I was only trying to say that it would be sad if that was all a person felt like they were. Does that make sense? I hope so. Just thinking outloud here, folks. Nothing more.

Blessed Be.

03/23/11

I’m sitting here today, feeling much better than I did yesterday, and I once again feel the connection to the Divine that I couldn’t feel yesterday. I do not exagerate when I say that it physically hurts. It’s like being blinded, or all of a sudden becoming deaf to everything around you, or having a limb amputated. It’s awful, and though I know it is my own actions that block the connection, I do not always realize I am doing it, or how to regain it.

Asking for Forgiveness is a start. Forgiveness for what? Forgiveness for cutting one’s self off from the Life Force, from God, from all that is Divine and the Most High. It is forgiveness of the self. That is the most important thing, I think. Because if we do not forgive ourselves, the pain and self-loathing festers and grows within us, and it eventually turns into a “cancer” and destroys us from the inside out.

And once we forgive ourselves, we start to see the reasns behind our actions towards others. What, at one point, may have seemed like an assault or an insult or some form of slight against us suddenly comes into focus, and we see the truth in the situation, and realize that those things were trivial and transitory, and that in reality, we chose to take others’ actions as negative, when in truth, we could have chosen to remember the knowledge we already have, given to us by God, and presented to us as a gift. That is not to say that all bad things are brought about because of a twisted perspective, but something positive can come out of any situation. I have only recently come to accept that.

So, why am I writing this? I have no idea, to be honest. It’s just random thoughts by a would-be Chaucer. lol. In my dreams… I only know that I do not wish for anyone to ever again have to walk in the wake of my turblence, and though I am not perfect, and I will always make mistakes, I ask that everyone that comes into contact with me know that I am truly doing my best to follow the path of peace and light.

Thanks for reading. Blessed Be.

07/19/11

i just thought it would be nice to have a note that said that. after all, it doesn’t matter what other people say or believe about you~only you know the truth. however, i do have to rant about one thing… naturally. lol. anyways, my stauses didnt show up, and if they do, sorry for the triplicate bitchfest. but… i am so tired of people thinking that they are better because they sit behind a desk all day, making gobs of money. they think they are better than the blue collar man that fixes their roads, or their car, or their freakin breakfast? hey! guess what! you are so not. no one carries the chamberpot around here. bring your degrees, your certificates, and your education and your money. i will show you someone that has none of those things, but is equal to you mentally, physically, emotionally, and probably higher scoring than you in spirituality. i will show you truth, and if you cant handle it, go back to your precious schooling, or your banker or attorney or priest and ask them what to do. one thing is for sure~ you will be found lacking. dont test me.

Poetic Crap

there are times when i know the truth
and times i do not.
times that slowly tick by on the clock
that only mocks me and my failures.
i’m running out of time.
but i don’t know where to run to,
or from what.
i simply “am.”
i am newly born, and aged, at once.
i am lost in a funnel cloud of memories, regrets, and victories
and time keeps reminding me that none of it really matters.
invincible and completely vulnerable
my time is closing in.

07/28/11

it’s funny. people always tell you that doing the right thing IS the right thing. well, all’s i have found out is doing the right thing makes things blow up in your face. it doesn’t help anyone~it only makes you look like an idiot for trying to do the right thing, which, obviously, is so unconventional that people can’t handle it. well, screw it. i won’t bother anymore. i’m tired of being a maid and a servant and getting absolutely no enjoyment out of life. i hate who i am, who i was, and if the future is anything like the present, i hate my future self too. yeah, i’m in a mood. no one seems to notice until im on strike, and i am. i’m tired of being taken for granted. i’m tired of being lied about, cussed out, screamed at, blamed for things beyond my control, and i’m tired of having absolutely no recourse. i’m ashamed that i cried to my grandmother, and the only thing i took away from that was an embarrassment of appearing weak. well, guess what! i have that right. if i want to throw myself down in the middle of new york city and scream, fit, and rage, i can! and to hell with yall that think otherwise. most people say, just worry about you and yours… that’s what i’m doing, only “mine” dont give a shit either.
i’m lost out here, in this sad, dark world. and i am truly alone. i will never stop trying to help people. i will always be condemned for it. i wonder if God does hate me. enjoyment is something that i am missing, and sobriety sucks. i dont do drugs, i quit drinking… wtf else do i need to do? how about become a vegetarian and live on a green peace boat and do stupid shit like that? at least then some idiot would appreciate my efforts.
but no… i’ll exist here until my time is up, and then i guess i’ll have a chance to find out why i chose to feel this way. and nope, sorry… no self~help yoga bandwagon’s gonna help this. this is a fight.
i’ve already been beaten. but, sometimes, the beaten dog has had enough and bites back. maybe it’s time to sharpen my fangs?
ah, forget it… nobody reads this shit anyway.

*no, i am NOT defragmenting, or thinking of suicide(i dont believe in it), and i am not a danger to myself or anyone else. just needed to rant. and if you have cookies, chocolate, or any other form of self~inducing sugar coma stuff, bring it on.*

thank you, and blessed be!