This, in my opinion, was the right thing to do.

Well, it seems that I have betrayed “THE FAMILY” and have been banished, called a drama queen, my daughter forsaken, as she spoke her mind too. They blocked all of us on facebook, but forgot a few accounts that were still connected, and friends that were still their friends on facebook, and it has come to my attention, that in mine and my daughter’s abscence, they have commenced an attack on me and my daughter. How cowardly, in my opinion. I tried to confront my brother in law, and he told me I was a liar and was feeding private information to the baby’s mother to be used against him in court. This was an outright lie and I have proof that it was not me. I would never do anything like that to anyone. If nothing else, I am honest.

And because I am honest, I pay for it every time. Unfortunately, it seems, since I have taught my children to speak their mind, and to tell the truth, they too have to pay for it now.  Their own blood threw them away. I never had a family, but I hoped they did. I guess, blood isn’t thicker than water.

Looking back over the past year,  I have struggled with many things: my own mortality, my health, alcoholism, anger, fear and frustration. I discovered that I hid my emotions in drinking, but, that is something that I fear I will always have to watch myself with. I’m the first to admit that I am no Master of anything. I still have so much to learn, and face, and come to terms with. I have struggled with moving four times in the past year, as well as having my beloved little sister near death, as she waits for her transplant. Unfortunately, a lot of abuse comes from her health issues with the toxicity in her body builds up and she doesn’t know what is going on. In her eyes, I have failed her, but I truly have done my best for her, and I don’t feel bad about any of that. Still, dealing with it at the times… Those were tough.

So, now, I choose not to make any resolutions, but I do want to live a better life. I do want to become a better person. I am reinstituting my Tai Chi practice as well as my ulcer diet to improve my health, and my meditation practices have picked up more as of late.

I wish to go to the Jedi Gathering here in Texas this year, and I would like to present a decent example. lol. But, more importantly, I would like to be a better example for my children. They deserve so much more than they have received in this life, and yes, we’ve always done our best, but sometimes, best isn’t good enough. We can always do better. Anyways, just wanted to get that out there.

At any rate, last night, my Asheera came back to me! I was dreaming, so take it as you will, but when faced with conflict in my dream, I reunited with her, transformed into my wolf-self, and handled the situation. It was unbelievably liberating and wonderful. I have missed my wolves, but mostly my Asheera, who has been with me for as long as I can remember. I’m so glad to have her home again.

Danny and I have been married for fifteen years, and been together for seventeen years. I know we love each other totally. I know that we would never betray one another, or hurt one another if we could possibly avoid it. Danny is probably the greatest man in the world…next to my granddaddy, of course. In some ways, he is even better than my granddaddy. But, in the end, is that enough?

Life isn’t about poetry and song and beautiful images. It’s harsh. There are no ivory towers, princesses with long flowing hair, or white horses carrying Prince Charming. I never have, and never will expect anything like that in life. Life is REAL. But, Danny and I got married so young. We grew up together. We’ve both made so many mistakes, and learned from most of those mistakes…lol. We’ve hated each other and our respective families… (sorry, Lance lol). We’ve learned to move past all of that.

But, in the end, is marriage just a business contract? Is its sole purpose there to provide a working relationship that enables two people to rear children in this world and provide mutual support to one another as we battle society and emotion and life, in general? Or is a marriage supposed to be love, romance, excitement, joy, support, rearing children, a business contract, and all of the things that Shakespeare would say that it is?

I wish I could believe in fairy tales. I never did as a child. For a brief moment, when I was about fifteen, I did… Then I realized fairy tales are just bedtime stories for little girls… our daddies tell us that we are the princess and that one day, Prince Charming will carry us away on his white horse. That’s their way of ensuring we all look for that Prince Charming instead of heading for the pole. lol.

I’ve been alone in this marriage for a very long time. I love Danny and I know that it was unavoidable that this was the way it had to be. But, that doesn’t mean that the future isn’t a brighter one. It doesn’t mean that people don’t learn and grow from mistakes. Danny is a very good man. I just think he never learned how to love. I think he has learned that now.

Is our separation supposed to be a “payback” of some kind. Of course not. Despite what everyone may think, I am not crazy, a psycho bitch, or that hateful to do something like that to anyone, let alone Danny. I love Danny. But, at this point in my life, I know I have to refind what it is that will make it work THE RIGHT WAY between the two of us. I have supressed so many things that I know it will take time to open back up. I have to learn to trust again. I have to release my fear. I have to be willing to open myself completely, and CHOOSE to be in a loving, supportive marriage. I know now that I never chose to do so. I just went with the flow and did what I thought I was supposed to do. In the end, I caged myself.

Being caged is the worst feeling ever. It’s better to have physical pain that to feel your heart, mind, and soul are locked away in a cage and forever shaking the bars begging to be released. That was how I was for many, many years-believing that I didn’t have a choice, that I didn’t have the right to seek my true path. Is that Danny’s fault? Not at all. It’s my own. I was a child when I married him. He was too.

It’s time that we find the adult sides of ourselves and our own true paths in life. Hopefully, those two paths intertwine as they always have. We have always taken the road less taken… Let’s see

My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forbearers, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land – a nagging fear that America‘s decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America – they will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of short-cuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted – for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things – some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.

Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions – that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act – not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology’s wonders to raise health care’s quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions – who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them – that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works – whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public’s dollars will be held to account – to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day – because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control – and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our Gross Domestic Product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart – not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience’s sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort – even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus – and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society’s ills on the West – know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world’s resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment – a moment that will define a generation – it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter’s courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent’s willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends – hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism – these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility – a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence – the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed – why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent mall, and why a man whose father less than 60 years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America‘s birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

“Let it be told to the future world…that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive…that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it].”

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children’s children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God’s grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

-President Obama, 2009

I suppose my favorite part is this:

“With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children’s children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God’s grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.”

Wow! That’s all I can say about this man. WOW!

But, in my exile (lol), I discovered many things about myself. First of all, there is no way that I could ever be a full time stay at home mom. I used to think that it was no big deal, and that I could easily handle the lifestyle. Well, I was wrong. I have to be doing something productive. I have to be working towards a goal, socializing with people, helping people where I can, and learning. I suppose the best way to put it would be to say that I have to be mentally stimulated. Otherwise, I do not do so well.  And really, the problem wouldn’t be so bad except my kids are all in school now, so I was alone most of the day. So, I have no problem with stay at home moms, and I think that what stay at home moms do is extraordinary and I commend you all, but I can’t do it.

At any rate, I have gone back to school to finish my degree. I am currently training in early childhood education. You know, I didn’t realize that I would enjoy this so much. I absolutely love my teachers and my classes and everything about school right now. I have the best mentor-teacher anyone could possibly hope for. I think, maybe, the difference is that I am actually working on something-training in application, rather than studying only theory. It’s like this passion for learning has been reawakened in me, and I am starting to view the teaching profession in a much different light.

What else is there? Oh, well… this December, I almost lost my sister. She almost died due to liver failure. She needs a transplant. I want to donate half of mine to her, but she says that even if I am a match, she will not allow it. She is worried that something could happen to me. Well, I appreciate that, but I’m the big sister here. I am supposed to take care of her, right? Then again, Jax pointed out that maybe there are some lessons in this for me. I will think some more on this.

I guess that’s it for now. Hopefully, I can keep this updated a bit more often now that my internet connection is back. I’ve missed you all. Have fun today!

And, I guess, maybe it’s been hard to accept my “new” family as “real” family, but I didn’t realize how many barriers I had up until I found my Shatterpoint. I mean, I never really had a real family. My father would disappear for weeks (and sometimes months) on end, my birth mother is bipolar and refused to accept help, medication or therapy… The result is that my sister and I were all that existed of real family. Of course, I did have a set of grandparents who “walk on water,” as far as I am concerned. But, my sister and I were snatched away from them repeatedly while growing up. So, any time that my sister and I have been in a situation where people are trying to get close to us, and are trying to show love to us, we immediately throw up barriers and close off a part of ourselves. I think we may actually have abandonment issues. It’s definitely a possibility. I know that I have “suspicion” issues. I have worked hard to overcome those, and sometimes, like when I am really tired or stressed, I can still feel the lingering remnants of these things.

The sad fact is: I never believed I was good enough for anything. I mean, if my own mother rejected me, how could anyone love me? Well, I know better than that now, but still, I think all of the old scenes that are showing up in my dreams are a way for me to remember the important lessons from my childhood that were learned (often the hard way) and to let go of the stuff that was just filler for the story of my life.

What I have come to know is that my childhood molded me, partially, into the person that I am, and it was during those hard times growing up that I learned of what I didn’t want to be. I remember crying over wolf pelts that were strung up on a rancher’s fence. I remember refusing to shoot a bird with a BB gun because I knew it wouldn’t kill the bird, but only wound it and infringe upon it’s free will and ability to survive. I remember my sister and I vowing to one another that no matter what we became, we would never be our mother.

There’s so much there. Some of it was good, don’t get me wrong. There were brief periods of absolute happiness. And there were times of sorrow. But, it did teach me that no matter what, we have to create our own happiness, and we must CHOOSE what we create and how we live in that creation. We are what we choose to be.

In our town, I have heard so many people that are actually afraid right now. I don’t understand this. They are all seriously afraid of Obama because he is black. Some of them believe that he is Muslim. Some believe that he is the Anti-Christ. HUH??? I mean, these people are truly scared right now. To me, though, I see Obama as a powerful symbol of progress and unity. He has black skin, but is half white. He has Muslim ancestry, but is a member of the Church of Christ. Christian-Muslim…White and Black…. I’m not the only one that sees the transcending possibilities here? (And I don’t just mean the reflections of the United States and the history contained within these borders.) I mean, at times, it seems as if we are back in the Crusades. The unification of all of Obama’s qualities really makes me think he was meant to lead our country into a better tomorrow. I can’t help it. I feel very good about the president-elect.

I also believe that he will be able to better represent our nation to other countries around the world. Bush had lost so much respect and favor that no one really listened anymore. At least, it seemed that way. I am eager to see how Obama handles foreign policy issues.

At any rate, YAY! I feel really good about this. It shows the world that America (and her citizens) are working for something better. We are moving forward. It is time for change.

You know, I really love life. It’s the most amazing experience ever. Even the bad times are amazing. It is our ability to feel all of these emotions and have these thoughts that make us so unique from one another. I have had the chance to do a lot of analyzing as of late, and that is one of the things that has really stuck with me. I mean, two people can be looking at the same situation. There are no differences for either party… And then, each of them will have two totally different perspectives on the matter. It just amazes me to no end.

You know what else? I have the most amazing sister. We had lost contact for a long time, and I wasn’t exactly kind to her for a bit, but when I needed her, she was right there for me. She has stayed by my side through everything. We have mended fences, so to speak, and I cannot imagine living my life without her. I’m so glad that I have a sister like her. It was also a great help to have someone of my own biological makeup there with me to help me through my health issues, as she has gone through the same thing. I don’t have a family of origin, except for my sister, and it is actually a very nice thing to have someone of “your blood” around, as they know what all went down in your childhood, what certain things happened, your health and biology… It’s just weird how having someone of your own “blood” around makes things so much better.

Wow! I’m a very lucky duck.